My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
only if we run a train.
done.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
