I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
