I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
