and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
