sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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