I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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