I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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