So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
