Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
