i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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