??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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