I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
