He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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