in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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