the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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