My first STD was from a foam party
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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