if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
