Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
