Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
