I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
