How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
