I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
