I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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