I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
