Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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