Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
