I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
