Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
