I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
