I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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