i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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