hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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