I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
