I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
