She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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