woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
