There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
