I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
