i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
