we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
