i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
