I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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