It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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