accomplished twins. life is a go
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
