Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
