When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
