She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize