I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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