Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
