you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
