i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
