I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
