why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Two words: blizzard sex
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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