why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
