You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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