he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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