need another drink. this is the easiest way
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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