batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sarcasm needs its own font
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I fill condoms, not promises.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
