Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
