he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Found your dick twin last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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