i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
