Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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