I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
