I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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